How To Spot A Non Gamer - Competition Winner!

Firstly, a massive thank you to everyone who took the time to send in a submission. I was delighted by the enthusiastic response.

I received a total of 117 submissions and read every single one of ‘em. The general consensus seems to be that ‘spotting a non gamer’ is an increasingly futile pursuit. We’re all gamers now thanks to the proliferation of ipads, mobile phones and social networking sites. Console sales used to make up 80 percent of the industry as recently as 2000. Today that percentage has halved. Unsurprisingly, many of you fear for the humble console, envisaging a bleak, dystopian future of mass console extinction, to be replaced with cloud and *shudder* mobile gaming. The revolution, it seems, is upon us.

Many of you, therefore, tried to distinguish between the casual and the core gamer. Countless submissions depicted the ‘hardcore’ gamer as a basement dwelling recluse who still lives with his mum. He can be easily identified from his calloused thumbs, gnarled fingers, oily skin and repugnant body odour. In short, the average core gamer is a ‘hideous, wretched, deplorable wreck of a human being’. One of you naughty scamps even suggested that spotting a non gamer was simply a case of gender identification: ‘if you’re a girl, you’re a non gamer’.

The casual gamer didn’t escape the clumsy stereotyping either. According to you lot, the less ardent gamer enjoys a dramatically healthier lifestyle when compared to their ‘hardcore’ counterparts. Hell, they even have partners and dare to venture outside their homes to ‘socialise’. Astonishingly, one of you reported that non gamers are blessed with ‘larger genitalia’. As for the actual games, the casual consumer ‘only ever plays Angry Birds, Farmville and, at a push, Wii Sports Resort’. Halo and COD are strictly off the menu.

The winning submission eschewed the easy cliché and approached the topic from a pleasingly unexpected angle. The writer’s inspiration was, believe it or not, Anne Frank’s Diary. The article is written from the perspective of a non gamer living under the brutal dictatorship of Mario and his ‘Gamestapo’ storm troopers:

 
We hid under the floorboards. The Gamestapo stood overhead, searching for us like QTE's in a move-tie-in. Just because we didn't go to Mario's rallies, or praise his meticulous moustache, we were forced to wear the blue armband and red shoes that portrayed us as outcasts. We quickly became the minority, ridiculed in the street, as the so-called 'next generation' reminded us we were no longer welcome.

As the creaking above our heads got louder, I opened my diary:

23rd June 1991

“The gold rings have been unleashed for the first time, our wealth will rule the world.”

Unfortunately, once the nation knew how much influence we had, chaos ensued. Mario's followers smashed up our shops with their waggle controllers, and burnt copies of our latest release because it was a crime against gaming. To make things worse, they even hijacked our next title, inserting a “Werehog” into the fray as a derogatory slur towards everything we stood for. In the glory days, our pockets were filled with every left-to-right journey we made. Now, we hide from the dictator and his loyal gang, cowering in the corner with the latest Angry Birds update.

We're the minority. We're the people who think “Tekken” is how a Scot would announce the title to a particular Liam Neesom film. Our interest has dwindled as time moves on, forcing us to plough hard-earned cash into rubbish apps, and anything that lets us control a scarred wizard. Put simply, spotting a non-gamer is simple; we're the ones who go against everything Mario has taught us. Just like our entertainment, the non-gamer attitude is firmly stuck in the 'it's not cool' stage of the '90s.

Nick Akerman

 
Congratulations Nick. You are the winner of the £10 cash prize.

For the curious among you, here’s a selection of some of the other entries.

And fret not, if you’re feeling a little bummed out that you didn’t win, or that you were too late to enter, I’ll be running similar competitions in the near future. So stay tuned to Digital Gigolo.

There are so many talented writers out there struggling to get their voices heard. Unfortunately, games journalism is a painfully niche career path to navigate. Which is a shame – but if you’re passionate, and you’re good, and it’s what you want to do, then talent will out. So keep at it.