GTA V? No Thanks

Dear Rockstar,

The GTA series peaked with San Andreas. Every iteration since has been increasingly underwhelming. Sure, GTA V will outsell the bible, but we all know it’ll follow the same tedious formula: drive to point A and murder criminal B. So do us all a favour, focus your incredible talent on a completely new IP, m'kay?

I mean, think about it guys: GTA IV, Red Dead Redemption, L.A. Noire, Saints Row: The Third - you’re gonna have to perform a miracle worthy of Jesus himself to make GTA V relevant. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan. I love your work. The gratuitous level of incidental detail you managed to squeeze into GTA IV was genuinely amazing. I’ll never forget the time I sat - slack-jawed with awe - and watched Ricky Gervais performing stand-up on a television in a seedy bed-sit in Liberty City. A virtual TV, in my virtual apartment in a virtual city teaming with virtual life. Incredible.



Thing is, convincing, open-world games are now standard fare. Just Cause 2 and Arkham City spring immediately to mind. Two astonishingly beautiful games that take the open-world experience to some pretty spectacular places. Can GTA V really make the same kind of impact in this overcrowded, cut-throat-competitive market place? With all the best will in the world, I doubt it.

And it ain't just little old me that feels this way. There are celebrity dissenters too. Take Peter Serafinowicz, for example: "I'm not really a fan - although it's an incredible achievement in some ways - of GTA IV. I hate all those missions and the scripted bits. If I want to watch a really shit film there are plenty I can watch". Okay, so it's not the most compelling of arguments, but perhaps the novelty is beginning to wear thin. Come on Rockstar, give us something new.

After all, once you've battered a man to death with a giant purple dildo, where on earth can you go from there?

Yours sincerely,

Digital Gigolo.

Jim Sterling Vs Cliffy B

Have you heard the latest scandal to rip through the video game industry? Cliffy B - head honcho at Epic Games - is a bit narked ‘cos Jim Sterling - reviews editor at Destructoid - gave Gears of War 3 eight-out-of-ten.

Okay I admit, I may have over-egged that opening sentence, but the steady stream of snarky tittle-tattle from both camps caught my attention. I found myself inexplicably drawn into the fray. Who would emerge victorious from this wholly underwhelming skirmish?

In an interview with VG247, Cliffy B revealed his feelings about the incoming review scores for Gears of War 3:

VG247: Were you pleased with the review scores this morning?

Cliff Bleszinski: Doing great, apart from a couple of haters.

VG247: And who are the haters?

Cliff: A certain gamer of the Euro.

VG247: And what was their problem with the game? I haven’t read the review.

Cliff: You know, I didn’t quite gather it. I don’t want to come across as defensive. How do I phrase this properly? When people rated Gear 2 higher than Gears 3, it kind of upset me because I know Gears 3 is a better game on every level.

Jim Sterling responded in his twitter feed:

‘His comments directly encourage the "anything under 9 isn't good enough" attitude that's shat all over the industry.’

Cliffy B then blocked Jim from his twitter feed, prompting this reaction from Jim:

‘So apparently @TheRealCliffyB blocked me from Twitter. Charming. #coward’

Now, while this may seem like a trivial bit of internet gossip I can’t help but agree with Jim when he says, ‘His attitude is a harmful one and deserved to be criticized…Clifford was unsatisfied by anything lower than unanimous praise and that's a horrendous attitude for a creative man to have…Never mind that the game's been getting rave reviews. He was so spoiled he focused first and foremost on his complaints…Attitudes need to change, above all else. Attitudes like his, where 8/10 isn't good enough, deserve lambasting.’

To be fair to Cliffy B, he never directly criticised Jim’s review, but his subsequent twitter block speaks volumes about his reaction to those reviews he deems ‘hateful’.

What do you guys think? Was Cliffy B’s reaction ‘bratty and entitled’? Is Jim right to lambast Cliffy B? Or is this silly kerfuffle simply the hollow sound of two egos clashing? I’d genuinely love to hear your thoughts, so leave ‘em in the comment section below.

Pictures provided by Kira Walker and Gavin Mitchell

Portal Mini-Movie Is Mindblowing

Filmakers, take note: THIS is how you make a movie based on a videogame.

The film - titled No Escape - is directed by Dan Trachtenberg. Dan premiered this short film at Comic-Con and, quite rightly, received a standing ovation. The film brings a grounded realism to the whimsical sci-fi concept of portal-hopping.

Some interesting facts about No Escape:

The movie stars Danielle Rayne, who has been working on tv for the last two decades, including a regular stint on All My Children.

If the strong female action character reminds you of Sarah Conner, it isn’t a coincidence — Rayne played Conner in the Terminator 2: 3D show at Universal Studios Hollywood.

Some of you might recognize director Dan Trachtenberg from his appearances on the /Filmcast. More people know Dan from his highly successful internet television show the Totally Rad Show.

Diggnation/TRS host Alex Albrecht has a cameo as one of the masked guards.

The film is scored by Mike Zarin, who is probably best known as the composer of the first Inception trailer (listen here). While Zack Hemsey gets most of the credit with his trailer song “Mind Hiest”, Zarin was the composer responsible for the now infamous “BRRRRRRRAAAAAWWWWRWRRRMRMRMMRMRMMMMM!!!” which not only the other Inception trailers built upon, but went on to influence Hans Zimmer’s approach for score for the film.

Dan’s brother David Trachtenberg edited the short. David has edited episodes of HBO’s “Funny or Die Presents…” and is currently working on the upcoming Will Ferrell/Gael García Bernal comedy Casa de mi Padre.

Visual Effects Supervisor Jon Chesson has worked on the television series V, True Blood, Falling Skies and the upcoming film Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol.

*Snigger* If you pause at 1.54 you get to see a particularly well-toned bottom. *tee-hee*

Duck Hunt Confirmed For The Wii U

The sequel to Duck Hunt has proven so popular that Nintendo is planning to release a limited edition 'Shotgun' pack for the Wii U.

Shigeru Miyamoto has confirmed that only 100 units will be made available to the public.

At Last! The Long Awaited Sequel To Duck Hunt

Cor blimey, doesn't time fly? It's been 24 years since Nintendo released its duck-slaughtering masterpiece on the NES.

The game's sniggering mutt became an instant icon and appears in countless internet memes as a mocking symbol of failure.

Nintendo's decision to make the nameless pooch invulnerable to pot shots infuriated a generation of gamers and led to the cackling canine appearing in many people's top-ten most despised videogame characters.

I for one salute you Mr Dog. May your fuck-you attitude continue to blight the lives of all who set eyes upon you. In fact, I want to see this dayglow Muttley appear as an unlockable character in Wii U's upcoming Super Smash Bros game. Special move? Obvious - the ability to vomit half-chewed duck into his opponent’s cheery fizzogs.

Digital Gigolo Turns Saboteur

Hurrah! The almighty Sabotage Times has just published an article of mine. You can check it out right here.

Wanna know what I'm most excited about? Well, aside from being asked to become a regular contributor, my name appears alongside fellow 'Saboteur' Irvine Welsh. What an honour! I've captured this historic moment for prosperity.

L.A. Noire's Most Awkward Moment

When it comes to shouty interrogations, Cole Phelps is your man. However, the subtle art of small talk is definitely something he needs to work on.

If you thought The Office’s long pauses and awkward silences were painful to watch, well, you ain’t seen nothing yet…

Sexy Videogame Retweet

Leigh Alexander retweeted one of my tweets. That is all.

How To Spot A Non Gamer

Next time you're on the train to work, take the time to observe the people around you. After a while something quite extraordinary will reveal itself. Two distinct groups will emerge from the anonymous huddle of grey suits: Gamers and Non Gamers.

On the surface, the Non Gamer looks like any other functioning member of society. But take a closer look. Concentrate on the eyes. You'll notice a distinct lack of humanity; a vacant, hollow stare. These empty husks, at some point in their lives, lost that mischievous spark of inspiration. Their childlike urge to explore, to touch, to play has been worn away by the grey calendar of existence.

Now look into a Gamer's eyes. That glistening black pupil is a gateway to a million different lives. The assassin within is sated when we sneak towards an unsuspecting foe and sink a sliver of cold steel into their neck (Assassin’s Creed). The borderline autism that compels us to collect and sort and classify is actively encouraged (Pokemon). Our inherent need to build things is given free reign with astonishing effect (Minecraft). Our lives are enriched by playing games.

Next time you’re on the train to work, surrounded by dead-eyed office drones, take comfort in the fact that in your pocket is a portal to Hyrule.

Overgrown Hedges

On my walk to work today I passed an elderly couple pottering in their front garden. They were both hacking away at an overgrown hedge. They looked frail and tired and clumsy.

I caught the eye of the old man as he struggled with his heavy shears. And what I saw in those world-weary peepers upset me.

I saw sadness.

Vigour, vitality and youth had deserted this man a long time ago. Even the simple task of trimming the hedge served as a painful reminder of his ailing strength.

And yes, I know.

I realise how out-of-place this post must appear on a blog dedicated to videogames, but hear me out. My wanky existential intro has a point.

Kind of.

After registering the old man’s look of weary resignation, my thoughts turned to videogames. I felt deeply comforted by the fact that when I'm old and brittle and unable to travel I'll still have virtual worlds to explore and conquer.

When my legs give out and my bladder betrays me I’ll still be able to run on the rooftops in Renaissance Italy before nose-diving into a bed of hay on the cobbled streets below.

And fuck the hedges; they can grow until they blot out the sun.

Ten Videogame Icons Gone Bad

Me And My Portal Gun

Aperture Science has been kind enough to lend DIGITAL GIGOLO a portal gun. I think GLaDOS will appreciate the experimental nature of my 'tests'.

British Gas Galaxy

Is it just me or do those new British Gas advertisements seem uncannily familiar?

Super Mario Galaxy

British Gas

Super Mario Galaxy

Digital Gigolo Turns Agony Aunt.

This is a genuine letter sent into The Daily Mirror’s health section.

Dear Miriam,

My boyfriend is obsessed with computer games. He often gets up at 5am to play Halo. When he comes in from work, the first thing he does is turn on the Xbox. Sometimes he even forgets to eat.

It’s just as bad at weekends. We don’t do anything together any more. I feel there’s no time or space for me in his life. Every time I bring this up, he tells me I’m being selfish and smothering him.

I get angry at his couldn’t-care-less-attitude and I hate the way he ignores me. He’s hardly interested in sex anymore – I might as well be invisible. I’m sick of nagging him and getting nowhere and I’m tired of all the arguments. I’m considering giving him an ultimatum – the Xbox or me. What can I do?

Angie

DIGITAL GIGOLO says:

Dear Angie,

Your husband obviously needs helps. So why don’t you pick up a controller and tag a few Covenant - he’ll be genuinely grateful, especially if he’s chosen the Legendary setting.

The last thing your husband needs when he’s trying to escape the crushing tedium of his soulless job is a guilt trip from a nagging wife.

And whatever you do don’t give him an ultimatum. The choice between ridding the world from the threat of extinction and smiling through gritted teeth to appease a smothering spouse simply isn’t a choice. You’ll find yourself out the house quicker than the time it takes Master Chief to snipe a stationary grunt.

Bill Hicks On Video Games And Porno Movies

Fifteen years after his death, his words still burn with righteous sincerity. And all he did, really, was to tell the truth about himself, and about the way he saw the world. He was the inspiration behind this blog's most controversial entry.

So I was thrilled to discover - while reading through an anthology of his letters, interviews and stand-up routines - a small segment devoted to his twisted relationship with videogames and porn. It’s not one of his funniest moments but it makes me wish he was still around to see just how much the world has changed.

Recorded Live at Laff Stop,
Austin, TX
(December 1992)

You know though, I don’t get it, man. I tell you what, I have this new fear. Cos I know, I know that I’m in a case of arrested development emotionally. I know that now. Cos I realize, you know, like ah if you – anyone can go to the video store near my house and see what I’ve rented the past year. It’s frightening, you know? Unbelievable evidence of an emotionally, you know, ah…digression goin’ on here. Porno movies and video games. What am I, thirteen emotionally? You know what I mean? I’m sitting there looking at this receipt I got from them, it’s like Clam Lappers and Sonic Hedgehog. That was one weekend. That was Easter weekend. Something’s going on with me, man. That’s a pretty scary way to celebrate the resurrection of Christ…with Clam Lappers and Sonic fucking Hedgehog. You know? I’m…my big fear now is I’m gonna go rent a porno film and take it to the front, you know, and give it to the guy, and he’s gonna do that little ‘doot!’ and suddenly (makes sound of alarm): ‘You’ve just rented your millionth porno tape!’ (alarm) ‘Get a picture of him with it! Anal Entry, volume 500 – he made it through every one of ‘em’ (alarm) Give me the little trophy. Millionth porno tape, wow! Lucky fuckin’ me. And along with Super Mario 2. I wish they’d combine video and porno. That would be great, man, you know? Video games and porno films? I’d have high score on Clam Lappers by now. I wish they did have interactive porno games…

Interactive porno games? It’s an interesting thought. If Hicks had stuck around a little longer maybe he’d have gotten his wish:

An Ode To NGamer