Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Assassins Creed

assassins creed
assassins creed

Duke Nukem Forever Has Gone Gold

2K Games has announced that Duke Nukem Forever has actually, properly, we're-not-lying-to-you "gone gold". After 13 years, it's finished.

"Duke Nukem Forever is the game that was once thought to be unshippable, and yet here we are, on the precipice of history," 2K president Christoph Hartmann said of the news.

"Today marks an amazing day in the annals of gaming lore, the day where the legend of Duke Nukem Forever is finally complete and it takes that final step towards becoming a reality."

Randy Pitchford, president of dev Gearbox added: "Always bet on Duke, I did.

"I bet on all of the developers who have ever been a part of this legendary project and I bet that none of us want to live in a world without the Duke. I've played the final game and it is an incredible experience - a once-in-a-lifetime opus of interactive entertainment that reminds me once again why Duke Nukem is our King.

"The developers of Duke Nukem Forever at 3D Realms, Triptych, Piranha and finally at Gearbox deserve our thanks and respect for never giving up and have truly shown us that they have balls of steel."

Duke Nukem Forever is out in the UK on June 10, with a demo due on Xbox 360, PS3 and PC on June 3.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Pass On Assassin's Creed.

pass on Assassin's Creed.
pass on Assassin's Creed.

Beyond Sense & Stupidity

It's happened again. Yet another brilliant game marred by the shitty control options.

Beyond Good & Evil, in what can only be described as a glaring oversight, has failed to include the option to invert the y axis.

Instead, we are given the choice to ‘reverse’ the ‘look mode’. Opting for this control set-up inverts BOTH the x and y axis. There is no alternative.

Criminally overlooked when it was released eight years ago, this was Ubisoft’s golden opportunity to reintroduce a classic to a new generation. The game combines elements from multiple genres, including stealth, platform action and detective puzzling, and even inspired Bioshock with its photography mechanism. There are some games that every gamer on the planet should experience. This is one of them.

My advice: trial before you buy. If you’re willing to re-educate your thumbs there’s a cracking game here. But for many the constrictive controls will be a barrier to purchase.

And, for me, that is beyond acceptability.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

This Is Assassin's Creed.

This is Assassin's Creed.
This is Assassin's Creed.

Never Mind The Bollocks

Anticipating rumours is a mug’s game. I’ll take hard, empirical fact over feeble innuendo any day of the week.

Yes, gossip and guesswork can be fun in small doses. But when the speculation and hype become an all consuming obsession, I tend to vomit. Sensitive gag reflex I’m afraid.

So then, rather than feed into the rumour mill, I’m going to suggest five practical improvements I’d like to see implemented in Microsoft’s next console.

Silence. Remember the noise the SNES used to make? No? Well, that’s because it was SILENT. I demand a console that doesn’t induce tinnitus.

My Sega Master System is 24 years old. It still works. My Xbox 360 died after 3 months. As did the next one. And the one after that. Sort it the fuck out.

An internet browser. You’re Microsoft, remember? You know, the monopolistic cunts with enough money to buy God. Even the runty, inbred Wii has one. It’s time to remove your head from your arse.

A pad that still works after I’ve smashed it against the wall.

An end to intrusive adverts. Stop pushing your failed motion-controlled bullshit on us. Never asked for it, never gonna buy it.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Overgrown Hedges

On my walk to work today I passed an elderly couple pottering in their front garden. They were both hacking away at an overgrown hedge. They looked frail and tired and clumsy.

I caught the eye of the old man as he struggled with his heavy shears. And what I saw in those world-weary peepers upset me.

I saw sadness.

Vigour, vitality and youth had deserted this man a long time ago. Even the simple task of trimming the hedge served as a painful reminder of his ailing strength.

And yes, I know.

I realise how out-of-place this post must appear on a blog dedicated to videogames, but hear me out. My wanky existential intro has a point.

Kind of.

After registering the old man’s look of weary resignation, my thoughts turned to videogames. I felt deeply comforted by the fact that when I'm old and brittle and unable to travel I'll still have virtual worlds to explore and conquer.

When my legs give out and my bladder betrays me I’ll still be able to run on the rooftops in Renaissance Italy before nose-diving into a bed of hay on the cobbled streets below.

And fuck the hedges; they can grow until they blot out the sun.

Assassin's Creed Stronghold 2

Assassin's Creed Stronghold 2
Assassin's Creed Stronghold 2