Non Gamers are a dying breed – a dusty antique from a bygone era. The Wii’s idiot-proof controller and gimmicky lifestyle peripherals suckered in a whole new demographic of gamers. Care homes across the country were kitted out with Miyamoto’s motion controlled console to help the elderly residents escape the crushing bleakness of their surroundings. Nintendo’s shrewd Blue Ocean Strategy helped them shift 86 million units and ushered in a new era of accessibility. Games for everyone! Huzzah!
But even in this brave new world there still exists a gaping chasm between this generation’s tech savvy youths and the parents who raised them. Nowhere is this more clearly demonstrated than when Essex boy Ryan Cleary was arrested on suspicion of masterminding a global computer hacking operation from his bedroom. “I thought he was playing computer games in his bedroom”, said Ryan’s bewildered mum as cops swooped on her extended bungalow in Wickford.
Now, let’s get one thing straight: this guide won’t help you thwart digital terrorism. What it will do is make you look less of a clueless tit in front of your mates. And that, of course, is by far the weightier issue. After you’ve read this guide you’ll be able to feign knowledge on the topics that gamer’s truly care about; everything from the dreaded Red Ring of Death to the uber-loony world of Katamari. Hell, it even explains why you should hate Gears of War’s game designer, Cliff Bleszinski. Yup, it’s all right here, in easily digestible fun-sized chunks…
RROD
How best to explain the gut wrenching nausea that strikes all Xbox 360 owners when the RROD strikes? Well, imagine how you’d feel if you woke up to discover your loyal mutt, Fido, bludgeoned to death at the foot of your bed. Now multiply that horror tenfold. You’re still not close.
The Wii U Reveal
Aka the biggest balls up of the decade. Even the tech savvy journos that comprised E3’s audience let out a collective ‘eh?’ after the Wii U was unveiled. The source of confusion was Nintendo’s barmy decision to show only the controller. The actual console was no where to be seen. In an attempt to placate the bewildered attendees, Satora Iwata hastily tweeted a pic of himself holding both the console and the controller. Incredible.
Cliff Blezinski
The Cliffster. Dude Huge. Good ol’ Cliffy B. The head honcho at Epic Games. Whatever you choose to call the irrepressible scamp, one thing is clear: he's a bit of a tit. You see, Clifford is far too busy fellating himself to notice what the world thinks of his smug, self-congratulatory posturing. We don't like it Cliff. Please stop.
Rage Quit
In the grand scheme of things, what is a kill/death ratio? It’s a small number contained within a game that only you and a couple of your mates really care about. In the grand scheme of things, it's the lint from the belly button of life. No one dies because their kill/death ratio (hoho) dropped by 0.4%. So don't be a total douche rag and rage quit out of a game because your stats might take a hit.
Spawn Camp
I know it's tempting to march up to your enemy's spawn and repeatedly kill them as they appear on the map. But don't do it. It's a dick move. What are you hoping to achieve by spawn-camping? Does it make you more attractive to the opposite sex? Will everyone applaud your gaming skills and offer to buy you a beer? No. People will think you're a cunt.
Duke Nukem
If it took a craftsman thirteen years to make a teapot, you'd expect that teapot to be the best darn teapot around. If, however, that teapot spat boiling water into your eyes every time you poured a cuppa, you'd be justified in your apoplectic rage. You'd demand a full refund and compensation for your scarred fizzog. And the craftsman responsible would be laughed out of the National Potters' Guild. Got that, gearbox?
Katamari Damacy
Crazier than The Priory at full capacity, Damacy’s success is a load of balls. Big sticky balls to be exact; or to give them their technical name, Katamari. The aim of the game? To roll your adhesive orb over every object in your path, thus creating a chaotic ball of bric-a-brac. Yup, it’s as mental as it sounds; more so when you factor in the high-octane Japanese-pop soundtrack.
Videogame Blogs
Everyone in the world writes their own gaming blog. Yes, even your dead gran has one. Thing is, 99.9% of them are shit. The remaining 0.1% have a combined readership of seven people. Competing against the likes of VG247, CVG, Eurogamer and Destructoid is a waste of time. So don't bother. Do something more constructive, like pissing into the wind.
Staggered Release Dates
Aka sloppy seconds. Forced to endure the squeals of delight as those around you prod and poke their brand new toy is surely a breach of human rights. Any element of surprise or novelty is tweeted into oblivion. You've completed the game before you've even played it. Not fun. Worldwide release dates need to be mandatory practice, on pain of death.
L.A. Noire
How can a game be excellent and shit at the same time? 'Tis indeed a mind bending paradox, but something that L.A Noire manages to achieve. The gurning, squinting, shifty looking characters that inhabit L.A. Noire’s world are excellent. The mechanics that drive the narrative are shit. Conclusion? Flawed yet fundamentally likeable, just like Detective Phelps.
Bonus: A Non Gamer's review of Ocarina 3D
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