Shadows Of The Damned Review

Anyone who plays Shadows of the Damned will be wanked-off by Jesus in heaven. A divine handjob from the son of God. And who knows, if you're lucky you may even get to spunk in his stigmata.

I am, of course, kidding. I open with this sickening gambit because I want to set the right tone, and only a violation against The Almighty Himself will prepare you for the head-spinning cluster-fuck that is SoD.

Exaggeration? No. This game is FUBAR. Proof? Well, how about the 30ft stripper who's naked buttocks I had to traverse in order to progress in a level. Not weird enough for ya? Well then, how about the three-headed statue that vomits zombies? Trust me, this shit is stranger than Derren Brown on ecstasy.

And all those clueless cunts who cite linearity as a barrier to purchase are missing the point in the most spectacular fashion. Yes, the game is linear. And no, this doesn't detract from the demon-slaying fun. Who cares if the journey never deviates from its preordained path? It's FUN. And if you're a fun-hater you can fuck right off. Or in the words of one of the demented demons you encounter, 'FUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOU'.

Still here? Good, 'cos this review is about to get even more idiotic.

The spectre-thin plot – Hotspur’s girlfriend is dragged to hell by the Lord Of Demons, and he goes after her – sets up the action. From here on in it’s an unashamedly puerile medley of cock gags, B-Movie references and, of course, monster dismemberment. And what delightfully grotesque monsters they are. Think Pan’s Labyrinth and you’ll have a good idea of the kind of outlandish beasties that await you.

Paula: SoD's scantily-clad damsel in distress. Her unfortunate 'Groundhog Day' death sequences border on the perverse.

SoD is the sordid love child of creative powerhouses Suda 51 and Shinji Mikami. If the names don't ring a bell, the games these guys have made certainly will. Their collective body of work is nothing short of genius: Killer 7, No More Heroes, Devil May Cry, Vanquish, Resident Evil. A collaboration between these two men was always going to produce a quirky, oddball videogame. And hey, I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. That would be like teaming up Jospeh Fritzl and Fred West and expecting them NOT to rape and murder children.

But a game cannot live on lunacy alone. There has to be a solid game mechanic underpinning the joyful nonsense. Thankfully, SOD provides. At its core beats the heart of an old-school shoot-em-up. The game thunders along at a cracking pace and rarely deviates from its monster-killing agenda. And this proves to be the games greatest strength. There's no doubting that sandbox shooters like Halo are ace. The Silent Cartographer remains to this day a pinnacle of level design. But sometimes you just can't beat a bit of mindless carnage, especially when it's as well executed as this.

Your arsenal is eccentric but limited, a commendable design decision that suits the frantic corridor encounters. You never have to cycle through a burgeoning selection of weapons. A quick tap of the D-Pad and you're ready to pop demon skulls. Your pistol, shotgun and machine-gun are modified as the game progresses. Your Skullcussioner, for example, can be charged to fire off a cannon ball sized grenade, which at one point in the game must be used as a bowling ball in a particularly macabre frame of skittles.

Successfully line up a head shot and  you're treated to a lovely slo-mo instakill.

Each gun also has a secondary firing mode called the light shot, which performs a twofold function: Illuminating darkened areas by shooting wall mounted goat-heads and blasting enemies veiled by shadow to stun them into vulnerability. And it's this day/night mechanic that provides the meat of Shadow's gameplay. Whenever Garcia is plunged into darkness his health slowly begins to deteriorate and enemies become invulnerable. A light source must be located before the walking damned and your ailing health-bar conspire to do you in. Sometimes, however, you must embrace the darkness in order to illuminate enemy weak spots and solve simple puzzles.

On your journey through the Shadows of The Damned you'll encounter a mind boggling array of oddness, as if the creative minds behind it were hell bent on freaking you out, haphazardly lobbing in idea after idea without any real regard for your sanity. A Marcus Fenix clone with only 30 seconds of screen time? Check! A turret section in which your gun calls a sex line to enlarge itself? Check! An eight foot demon called Christopher who sells you items amid the lurid glow of illuminated vegetation? Check! Random 2D side-scrolling segments? Check! It's all here, all jostling for your attention in this hyper-gothic world of the damned.

The 2D sections break up the relentless monster-slaying with, erm,  more monster slaying.

Yes, there are criticisms to me made. Some will baulk at the innuendo and crude humour, the way in which the game's scantily clad damsel in distress is regularly ogled by the camera. And once you've completed it, you may feel there is little incentive to return. I managed to snag 45 out of the 50 achievements on my first play through.

But rather than piss and moan at the puerile idiocy of SoD, I embraced it. I enjoyed it. And I urge you to so the same. Ignore the snooty naysayers and treat yourself to a deliciously absurd slice of escapism.